Shitty Book Review; Sweet Valley CONFIDENTIAL

Francine Pascal, creator of the suburb-wide phenomenon of our youth "Sweet Valley High", has brought to our adult selves a piece of melodramatic nostalgia that has taken over my entire fucking day. In Sweet Valley CONFIDENTIAL, the better-than-you Wakefield twins are, swearing, fucking and (gasp) having their nipples described (awkwardly, as" taut", which I'm not sure is the right term, but whatever) in a book that aims to tie up the loose ends of a pre-teen book franchise that should've died in it's infancy.

When I was in grade school, the Wakefield twins were pillars of femininity, one ruled by reason, the other by impulse. They were the literary version of Barbies, for the girls who liked to read trash at an early age. And they were always just a little bit older than their target readers, just enough to make them seem like the glamorous older sisters we all wanted, living the affluent-super-hot-but-not-slutty-blonde life we all wanted to live.

10 years (yea, right) later, and these fool-ass bitches are 27 years old. That pissed me off immediately because those cunts were like, 17 when I was 12. Your fiction-math is wrong, Francine. My old-ass is 33. And they are living all of our dreams. They are writing off-Broadway plays, they are marrying rich dudes and fucking on yachts, they are a fabulous PR agent for make-up. That's right, all of it. All of make-up. So now, in the same way those beauty queen wonder twins would make me feel soo young and exited for the future, they are making me feel old, and bummed out on my past!! But I still can't be that mad. They're really pretty so they probably deserve everything everyone could ever want, ever.

What the hell, Francine? Fuck you.

Brianna does open mic night!

Leaving a job can be tough in the stupidest ways. You might hate 99 out of 100 things, but the one thing you like is always really, really good. For example, unless you're a total dick, you're going to make lasting friendships, and unless you've not a shred of humility, you will probably learn at least something.

Meh..

I am cursed to forever hate my jobs. There are people that are built to serve humanity, meant to revel in their communities, to build families and payday based friendships that last for decades. People that thrive off positive reinforcement and who's true joy comes from making everyone's life easier in a their own unique, quiet way.

I want the same things, but I want to be loud about it. Loud and selfish. I want you to think I'm awesome because I'm totally fucking awesome and it's undeniable. I want you to make your life better by being awesome. I want to be your friend because I'm awesome, and I want to share that with you and make your life better for having known me because I just make everything fucking awesome. I don't want to do that in an office, I don't want to do it while serving you a coffee, and I sure as fuck don't want to do it on a pole. Fuck, is that too much to ask???

I have known for a while now that jobs with bosses and paydays and lunch breaks are never going to work for me, and I'm too old and fat to start stripping. So, here's a video of me doing stand up comedy: