And then there's this sort of thing...

A few years ago I was tapped to do some live caricature at a trendy multimedia event. The premise was this; a photographer would wander around the event floor and snap photos of the attendees, then send them to a computer, where I would do a quick cartoon rendering. The whole process was projected to a huge screen beside the stage.

Zero minus two hours before the event and I receive a panicked call from the promoter. Some unavoidable last minute drama occurred and they could not provide a laptop for me to "perform" with.

I needed to bring my own computer.

(eeek)

At the time, Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliff was starring in the Broadway production of "Equus", which is a controversial play concerning nudity and horse love. As a perfectly hu-uge fan of HP, I had procured some promotional photos of young Dan Rad, fully nude, shot from the front, softly caressing a white horse.

That photo was the screensaver on my computer, which, when rigged up to that big screen, projected a monster size photo of what I now lovingly refer to as "Potter Cock".

An entire wall of 18 year old Harry Potter's naked dick.

Now sure, that's kinda funny, but then there's this.

I was awkwardly positioned in the center of the dance floor, at a makeshift computer station that consisted of a folding card table and a wobbly plastic chair. Every mustached sweatervest in the crowd was curious as to why there was someone sitting in the middle of the dance floor, staring at a cheap laptop with the intensity of a thousand suns.

And so the crowd around me grew.

Every time I started a new caricature, my computer crashed and defaulted to full frontal Potter Cock. And as the crowd grew denser, and my small area more heavily populated, my computer, possibly feeling overwhelmed by new file sharing programs and the thick air of aggressively fashionable assholes, began crashing more frequently, flashing the crowd more and more Potter Cock.

Every time that offensive, possibly illegal photo dominated that wall, hundreds of eyeballs focused first on the perturbing photo of the world's favorite boy wizard and his uncircumcised magic stick, then on me.

I wish I could say I'd never been so mortified, but once when I was kid, my panties fell off in the Safeway parking lot, so, yea, it takes a little more than some nebulous pedophilia to embarrass me.

Radical Ways to Break an Arm

Mr. Boss broke his arm. I asked him how he did it. He was tired of answering that question. I told him, "No bother. Actually, I really rather not know". I instead imagined 30 stories in which a radical person breaks their arm.

1) Base Jumping Accident:
got tangled up in my parachute base jumping from the worlds tallest building.

2)Rodeo Accident;
I was thrown from the nation's orneriest bucking bronco. But not after I rode that son of a bitch for 42 seconds.

3)Bar Brawl;
Called a wannabe biker gang a bunch of puss-nuts, kicked over all of their stupid Harley Davidsons, then broke all the bones in my right hand punching each of them out.

4)Concert Accident;
Broke arm while protecting horde of underage scene kids from a terrible trampling at the Lady Gaga show.

5)Ice Skating Accident;
Lost footing and ate shit trying to land a triple axle, especially bittersweet since I nailed it repeatedly in rehearsal.

6)Frisbee Accident;
While enjoying a friendly game of frisbee, I jumped too high and slapped a helicopter out of the sky.

7)Juggling Accident;
I was stuck in a one handed juggler's purgatory for 78 hours.

8)Camping Accident;
Had to fight a mountain lion away from camp with one hand while I restrained an adult male elk with the other. I rode the elk back to civilization, then I killed him with the same hand I used to punch a mountain lion to death. I smoked his meat and fed all the hungry children of SE Portland.

9)Nude Beach Accident
Attacked by several middle aged nudists after removing my trunks and showcasing my junx.

10)Party Accident;
Strained all the muscles in forearm while breaking the world's record for "longest one handed kegstand."

11)Diving Accident;
Dove off the longest, tallest bridge known to man in order to save the drowning puppy of a small weeping child. Dog consequently bit through my entire wrist. Returned pet to child, then slapped child for raising such a shitty dog.

12)Poetry Accident;
Wrote 10,000 lines of prose, which when complete read as a palindrome. Developed severe tendonitis as a result. Never again wrote a line of prose, yet won the nobel prize for literature.

13)Playground Accident;
Attacked by a army of bloodthirsty 3rd graders. Received worst indian burn of all time.

14)Philanthropy;
One man campaign to bitch-slap every deserving man, woman and child in America.

15)Science;
I'm growing a stronger, more flexible, super-arm

16)Thumb Wrestling accident;
Challenged "Long Thumb Cunningham" to a balls-to-the-wall thumb wrestling match. Lost.

17)Arm Wrestling Accident;
Won 12 consecutive matches against the nations top ranked wrestlers, only to have my arm broken during a photo op with my 12 year old protege. I taught that dumb-ass a little too well.

18)Physical Education Accident;
Got carried away while demonstrating perfect pull ups. Did 8000 one armed pull ups, then dazzled everyone with a 45 minute, one armed gymnastics presentation. (**it's worth noting that the real Mr Boss, he says "I'll show you a 45 minute gymnastics presentation..."**)

19)Sisyphean Accident;
Read too much goddamn philosophy in college. It made my bitch ass bones all soft.

20)Stage-diving Accident;
No one caught me

21)Philanthropy #2
Fed my arm to all the starving children of SW Portland.

22)Breakdancing Accident;
Windmilled 376 times in a row. Also now suffering from vertigo.

23)Competitive Eating Accident;
Mistakenly stuck hand in the pie of reigning cherry pie eating champ of Idaho, Jerry Sizzerlean.

24)Self Inflicted;
I broke my own arm to prove to you what a badass I am.

25)Physical Education Accident #2;
Demonstrated dead lifting 500 lbs one handed. Then I high fived everyone and did 1000 push ups with THE SAME ARM!

26)Camping Accident;
Needed to start fire, used own arm for friction. The sparks were 10 times more intense than that of the usual lame wood or flint/steel friction sparks.

27)Fishing Accident;
While noodling (that's bare-fist fishing for all you intellectual assholes) I became locked in a battle royale with the worlds largest catfish. After my victory, I smoked that bastard and fed all the hungry children of Gresham.

28)Ecological Accident;
Tried single handedly to stop the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico. Literally.

29)Pervert Accident;
Look, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

30)Realistic-if-you-know-me Accident;
My pimp hand is strong, but not that strong.